“No Couples Allowed”
As a newly single person, I realized while traversing the lesbian landscape of New York City that it's nearly impossible to meet someone at a bar, club or social gathering these days. And like a good neighbor, Kristina is here to tell you.
Do you know why I can't find any single women when I go out?
Because these damn couples and traveling circuses are confusing the hell out of me and my single friends.
For once, straight people actually have something I envy, you know, besides for the tax breaks, the ability to marry, and all that other underwhelming stuff. The straight bar scene is exactly what it was 10 years ago...
A drunken battle of cat and mouse, AKA a little game called: Will I get laid tonight?
Single chicks get dressed up and go to bars to get guys to buy them drunks and if he's hot and lives in the area, he might get some. Bingo blango. Game on. It's supply and demand, and I'll be damned if we don't need something like it in the lesbian world.
I get it, you haven't seen your buddy in a while and she's a lesbian. She's only in town for a few days and she also wants to meet girls. Well, good luck, because either there is a drought of available single women in NYC or they're all in prison. I'm going to say that since I have not been told by my mother that there's a sudden boom in Lifetime movies about lesbians, that it's not the prison choice.
The point is that people used to meet at bars. It's a social art form in New York, and it's Darwinist by design: If you're unattractive, a bad dancer, socially inept, cheap or can't dress yourself, you are going home alone (unless the target was really drunk). People dance at clubs all night and go home together. It's something you KNOW, when you're a young resident of a bustling metropolis. Maybe some people actually still respect each other and exchange phone numbers instead... You know, to go out on dates (Strange, I know).
Surprise, surprise!
Lesbians don't do that.
Lesbians go out on the town with their ex-girlfriend, their ex-girlfriend's best friend, their best friends, their straight sister, their aunt, etc. In fact, from this point forward, all jokes that ever mentioned “clown cars” should now be remastered to incorporate “lesbian cars” into the dialogue:
“Jesus, there's ten chicks in that Prius. Looks like a clown car.”
“Lesbian car.”
“A what?”
“A lesbian car. The indigenous lesbians of New York are incapable of traveling alone.”
“Is that why you're single?”
I agree that events are more fun when your friends are around, and I think there's a time for hitting bars as a group and tearing up the neighborhood with debauchery and foolishness. But the single scene in the lesbian community is in a coma, and I'm here to revive her. Mouth-to-mouth, anyone? Maybe there should be a party or event, designated for single people who want to meet, or maybe women just shouldn't be so afraid to grab a beer and meet someone new?
As I type, I can hear the lesbian cavalry sounding the alarms. You think I'm doing it wrong, women are avoiding me or something silly like that. I can assure you, you're incorrect. Nice try, though. And for those of you saying I'm going to the wrong places, since there are about five lesbian venues for me to choose from in New York, I can assure you that's also not the case. Finally, for the gay club advocates out there, that's also a no. I've mentioned this before, but I'm not a dancer, so clubs are meaningless, dark, loud rooms that serve alcohol. Keeping those prerequisites in mind, a club is just a more expensive version of my bedroom.
The central theme of my lament is that there are still good women available and since we don't yet live in a perfect world where women are hitting on each other at the grocery store, we've got to figure something else out. I'm also not saying that couples shouldn't be out drinking together. I'm saying that they're annoying when they're together and I want to hit on one of them. When my ex and I used to go out, very frequently one of us would get approached by someone who had no clue that we were together (Which is an honest mistake. All is well in the world as long as the conversation ends after the correction is made).
Don't give me that, “Kristina, you'll find it when you're not looking,” crap, either. It's another one of a series of cliches someone created to justify things not going their way. When you lose something, does it just appear magically on your sofa, or in your pocket? It doesn't.
It astounds me the stupid things that people say to rationalize things.
But I digress.
I'm open to the possibility that I could be wrong about all of this and there are hot, single woman gallivanting all over the city or are meeting at one centralized location.
Fine with me.
But can someone text me the address?
I'll be the well-dressed girl with the hat on near the bar.
Alone.
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Kristina Villarini is a writer, blogger, and editor to multiple outlets across the “Interwebs.” Each week, she'll examine the complex, bizarre and just plain illogical aspects of lesbianism. While she may not ever have all the answers, she'll prove without a shadow of reasonable doubt that she's a bigger fish out of water than you.
